1962 - 9/22/Sat. eve. 9:30

Diary

The past months have been very difficult for both of us. The business is grossing less and less per week and we are now barely able to pay the rent. In fact, we are three weeks behind. We have been swindled in every way imaginable, robbed and cheated by many who have given us their “word”, constantly plagued by bowery bums, tramps, and al sorts of human degradations presently inhabiting the block of 14^th Street, New York City.

From May 7 to Sept. 7 we worked seven day s a week (with only one or two days off) from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m.. Anne and I have come to understand our relationship with each other, our love for Mother, the intensity of our aspiration, and an inner peace has grown considerably.

We are faced with hundreds of major decisions each day. We are almost completely detached toward money and materialistic gain for ourselves, and yet somehow we feel it is right for us at this time to try and earn money for the Mother. I have written Mother concerning the seemingly immanent failure of our business and am now awaiting a reply.

Douglas (Williams) has come to the store a few times and we have spoken briefly and intimately. He will be moving to the Ansonia Hotel, a haven for musicians (usually ‘has been’ and ‘never wa-ses’!) but I am certain Douglas will change the course of things. For brief moments in these past days, the romantic feeling of sorrow about Douglas’ departure has entered, but I rapidly quell any emotional outthrust because the work of the Divine is at hand and one must not become lost in the memories of unity in music, a pure and beautiful friendship, and the many other sorrows and joys that were a part of our past life. Douglas seems to deprecate slightly the idea of Mother’s Ashram and he willingly admits to temporarily following a different path. I think his moving is a good thing, in spite of our great love for each other.

Anne and I both feel that we need more pictures of Mother and Sri Aurobindo in our house as well as pictures of saints. This would be difficult with Douglas in the house, not because of an outward disagreement, objection or argument, but rather because of an inner vibration that would b very noticeable; one of unrest. Many things have happened lately, one of the most important for me being the realization that I must not and cannot do anything unless I am completely open at a certain moment and it is right for the movement to occur at that time. Fore example, have obligations to write to many people but I cannot write until a precise moment comes when the words flow onto the paper and the letter are completed. I have not written to Jean, my closest soul companion, although I have received news from him. I know now that it is not a question of “not having enough time” because there have been innumerable hours wasted in the past months. Another example is the space between these comments. At one time I tried to force myself to write every day and did so, but now I must wait until the precise moment, and I find that I am not even going through the process of thought, for the words just flow in an even stream from some plane.

I have had an informal and sincere reconciliation with my parents and only lately do I realize that the cycle has been completed. Firstly there was the inevitable ‘break’ after years of indoctrination, silent protestations and the final resolution to leave, then as Christ stated, I left family, relatives, home, friends, loved ones, and embarked upon the lone spiritual journey, passing through the trials that were destined for me, succeeding and failing, and finally being guided to my destination by the unseen hand of the Divine, undergoing a brief but intense spiritual beginning at the Ashram, and now finally the return to the family (even though temporarily) with a love that is pure, detached, and understood, not requiring any return and being eternal in its essence.